I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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