So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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