I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
