Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
