I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You ruined the universe
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
