yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
