Please, let me fuck your mom
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
