Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
