Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize