Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
