did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
