I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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