If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
