So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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