there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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