bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
