Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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