thus making me awesome and them whores
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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