With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
