I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
