I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
