6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize