im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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