there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
