you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
