I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Bring me that man meat
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
