A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
