I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
