I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
