two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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