Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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