i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
