So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
