his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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