Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
