There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
