We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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