I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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