She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize