it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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