the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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