Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
