having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
