Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
