You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
