i just sent this text using only my big toe
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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