I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
