"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
