I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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