9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
