My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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