Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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