I hate your face
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
