I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
