Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
