Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
