if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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