everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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